One of the most frequent questions I get as a religious trauma therapist is how people should go about navigating relationships with their religious family members once they themselves have left the church.
Yikes! This is a tough one.
On my social media pages, I often talk about the interplay between family trauma and religious trauma.
And I even wrote an article about that specific topic: How to Untangle Religious Trauma from Family Trauma.
But in this article, I wanted to break down a step by step process on how to navigate the unique challenges that often arise with trying to maintain relationships with religious family members once you’ve exited “the family of god.”
Here’s What’s Covered
Step 1: Consider the Historical Dynamics
Family dynamics play a significant role in shaping how members interact with one another, and when religious beliefs are involved, emotions can become even more heightened.
Taking the time to consider these dynamics is a critical in determining how you’ll proceed with navigating various relationships once you have left the group your religious family members a part of.
How Was Conflict Handled in Your Family?
You’ll want to start by thinking about how your family navigates “high stakes” conversations and how they tend to deal with problems.
In my family, everything was always swept under the rug.
For example, if there had been a “blow up” about something, my mom would emotionally withdraw (sometimes for days at a time), and, eventually, I would either apologize to smooth things over, or enough time would pass that we’d just get back to “business as usual.”
In my home, the atmosphere was not conducive to directly addressing problems because that usually led to so much relational distress, it didn’t seem worth it in the end.
A Personal Anecdote from My Own Experience:
I couple years ago, I deviated from the norm of how my family handles tough situations by trying to directly confront some of the painful things that occurred in the past.
What I failed to take into account was that even though I had developed a more direct approach to handling conflict, my parent was still operating from the same playbook from my childhood.
It created a huge falling out and ultimately led to an estrangement we haven’t yet recovered from.
Looking back, I wish I had started with this point and had been able to strategize a bit more about how to handle my concerns based on our family history and patterns of communicating.
Consider Your Family’s Communication Style
Based off the personal anecdote I shared above, I would also encourage you to consider your family’s communication style.
Some families may have open and respectful discussions, while others might avoid sensitive topics altogether {as was the case with my family}.
Think about generational communication patterns as well and how difficult conversations are/were handled between your parents and grandparents.
And finally, you’ll want to consider the potential impact of the high control religion your family is indoctrinated into.
Because high control groups often promote an authoritarian communication style within families, questioning beliefs is discouraged and strict adherence to rules is expected.
There’s usually not much space given for attunement, empathy, or connection because everything is viewed as black & white, right or wrong, with parents landing in the position of the ultimate authority.
It’s important you keep this in mind because this will likely create additional challenges if you’re navigating topics that require more open-mindedness on the part of your religious family members.
Are they even capable of being open-minded and really “hearing” you?
Think About Your Historical Family “Role”
As you consider historical family dynamics, also reflect on your role within the family structure.
Were you seen as the one who challenged the status quo, or were you typically the peacemaker?
Understanding your role within the family system will influence how your decision to leave the religion is perceived and received by your religious family members.
Leaving religion has probably meant some changes in your personality and how you now approach your life and relationships.
It’s important to take note of these changes within yourself prior to heading into conversations with your family about sensitive topics because they could end up reacting not only to the topic but also how “you’ve changed.”
Step 2: Evaluate Emotional Safety Risks
Evaluating emotional safety risks is super-important when navigating relationships with religious family members, particularly if they are currently indoctrinated into a high control religion.
As I’m sure you’re aware, leaving the religion can trigger intense emotions for both you and your family members.
In order to protect yourself emotionally from the fallout, here are a few things you may want to do to help assess the emotional safety risk in your family.
Identify Past Tensions Related to Religion
Reflect on how previous disagreements around the topic of religion were resolved with your religious family members.
Or, if they were left unresolved, how these unresolved issues continue to impact your relationships today.
Being aware of these historical patterns can help you approach the discussion with a better understanding of where the landmines might be.
Oftentimes, landmines tend to be best avoided altogether since they have the capacity to “blow up” what could otherwise be a productive, healthy conversation.
Take an Inventory of Harmful Behaviors
Catalog emotionally harmful “tactics” your religious family members tends to default to.
Take note of any instances of emotional manipulation, gaslighting, or shaming.
This could include attempts to reconvert you or threats to punish you by excluding you from the family or certain events.
Taking a critical inventory will help you determine whether it’s safe to broach certain topics with religious family members or whether it’s even safe to maintain a relationship at all.
Consider how Religious Family Members May Have Grown (Or Not)
Sometimes, even if interactions with your family didn’t go well initially, a family member will begin to think about things more expansively once they’ve had time to mull things over.
If someone in your family is starting to shift their perspective a bit, you now have a small area of common ground to potentially build on.
Try to focus on this rather than the very broad divide that may still be between you.
Step 3: Set a Relationship Goal
Once you have considered historical family dynamics and evaluated the emotional safety risk, it’s important to set a goal for your relationships with religious family members.
This means thinking in very concrete terms about what you would like the relationship to look like moving forward.
Here’s how to do it.
Acknowledge the Reality
Think about your family’s religious beliefs and the impact it has on their lives, and recognize that it’s unlikely you’ll be able to change their beliefs or convince them to leave their high control religion.
Any attempts to do so could feel threatening to them and could make it more challenging to find common ground.
It’s also a possibility that these particular religious family members may not be capable of having any depth of connection with you outside their religious framework.
Hoping for emotional depth and connection is completely understandable, but you could be setting yourself up for disappointment and ongoing emotional pain if they’re not capable of this.
Try to instead focus on what’s within a reasonable realm of possibility.
Focus on Shared Values
Despite differing religious beliefs, there may be shared values and common interests within your family.
Try to identify the shared values and activities that can bring you together without touching on religious topics.
Building in ways to engage with these shared values is an important part of establishing a relationship goal because it can help strengthen your bond with religious family members in other areas of life that are not related to religion.
Get Clear of the Finer Details
Think in concrete terms about how often it would feel healthy to speak to your religious family members or see them in person.
Consider what modalities of communication work best – in person conversations, text exchanges, phone calls, emails, etc.
Also consider frequency of communication.
And finally, think about how you’d like to handle family events like holidays, birthdays, weddings, etc.
You may even decide that if you’re going to see your religious family members or speak to them, you may need to have an emotional support person with you, and that’s totally ok!
Step 4: Establish Personal Boundaries
Establishing personal boundaries is an essential part of navigating relationships with religious family members.
These boundaries will safeguard your emotional well-being, preserve your autonomy, and help you to maintain a sense of control over your life, even in the face of religious differences.
Identify your Values and Limits
Taking your relationship goal into consideration, identify your values, beliefs, and what matters most to you now that you’ve left religion.
Understanding your personal convictions will help you define the boundaries you need to set.
Think about what is non-negotiable for you and what areas you are willing to be more flexible on.
For example, maybe you’re willing to sit through a family prayer, but you won’t tolerate being asked to pray.
Or maybe you’re willing to attend a baptism party following a service, but you’re not willing to sit through the service itself.
Communicate Your Boundaries
Clearly communicate your boundaries to your religious family members in a clear, concise manner.
It’s ok for you to choose whatever communication modality will help you accomplish this in a calm manner and one that will help ensure emotional safety in case they don’t respond well.
Email, texting, phone calls or having a partner or friend present is all perfectly acceptable.
If you think it would be helpful, you can let them know that setting boundaries is not about rejecting them as individuals but rather about preserving your own mental and emotional well-being.
Be Prepared to Enforce Your Boundaries
Setting boundaries is not effective if you do not uphold them when necessary, so you’ve got to be prepared to enforce them if or when religious family members decide to test them.
This may involve disengaging from certain conversations, politely declining invitations to certain events, or even taking a temporary break from interactions if needed.
I’m going to have you once again reflect on historical family dynamics to help you prepare for how your family members may react to your new boundaries.
If this is completely new behavior for you or you come from a family that’s enmeshed or simply doesn’t respect boundaries, there will undoubtedly be some growing pains on both sides.
Challenges or pushback doesn’t necessarily mean throwing in the towel.
You may just have to stay consistent for a while before you begin to see progress.
Step 5: Re-Assess Dynamics & Your Overall Strategy as Needed
It’s likely that things will continue to shift and evolve with your religious family members over time, and it’s important to re-evaluate family dynamics as needed.
For example, perhaps you notice some of your family members are becoming more open-minded as time goes on, and you now feel more comfortable sharing more with them.
Or perhaps it’s gone the other way and they’ve been repeatedly hurtful towards you or are relentless in their attempts to re-convert you, so you need to begin enforcing even stronger boundaries.
Here’s how to keep on top of the situation.
Practice Regular Self-Reflection
Tune into your body and your emotions to help assess how the established boundaries and communication strategies are working for you.
Are there any triggers or unresolved emotions surfacing? Have your religious family members shown any signs of openness to understanding your perspective?
Intentional self-reflection will help you identify areas that may require adjustment in your overall strategy.
Monitor Progress
Keep track of your interactions and note any positive changes or setbacks in the relationship with your religious family members.
Are there moments of mutual understanding or improved communication?
Celebrate the progress you’ve made, even if it’s small, and acknowledge areas that may still need attention.
Be Open to Adaptation
In most cases, relationships tend to be fluid, and your family’s responses may change over time.
Be open to adapting your approach as you gain new insights and experiences.
If you notice that certain topics or approaches aren’t yielding positive results, be willing to modify your communication style or reevaluate your relationship goals and boundaries to better align with the current circumstances.
Final Thoughts
As you probably know, navigating family dynamics can be challenging in the best of circumstances but can be truly treacherous in the face of toxic religious dynamics.
It’s important to recognize that your religious family members are still under mind control, and it may be difficult (or even impossible) for them to prioritize a healthy relationship with you if doing so conflicts with their beliefs.
It’s also important to keep in mind the ways that religious indoctrination tends to stunt emotional development since difficulties are immediately turned over to an all powerful deity to deal with.
Your religious family members may literally not have the level of emotional development necessary to foster a healthy relationship with you.
It’s important you allow yourself to recognize that and grieve it as a loss.
What To Do Next:
We covered quite a bit of information in this article.
If you’re wondering what to do next, consider the following…
Join the Group
One thing I would definitely encourage you to do is to check out my private Facebook group for folks recovering from religious harm:
Check Out These Article
- 4 Ways Children Are Wounded By Religious Cult Parenting Practices
- Setting Boundaries After Leaving Religion: The Complete Guide
- What is a High Control Religion?
Stay Connected
Most importantly you’ll want to make sure you’re on my email list.
Every Thursday I send out a topical email related to religious indoctrination and religious harm recovery.
And every Monday I send an email that offers more of my personal anecdotes and thoughts and includes links for the latest resources I’ve been perusing.
Use the form below to sign up!