Do you struggle with perfectionism?

I know I definitely do.

And to be honest with you – it used to be much, much worse that it is now.

As a child, it would really show up in the super-high degree of anxiety I would have about “messing something up” – an art project, a school assignment, etc.

And then as I entered adolescence and on into adulthood, it often showed up in the form of appearance-oriented perfectionism.

My clothing and hair and make-up all had to be perfect all the time.

And I would honestly fly into a panic if someone unexpectedly came to the door, and I wasn’t “put together.”

{Apparently there was a serious 50’s housewife vibe going on in my head…}

But I’m wondering as I’m sharing this with you — can you relate?

I suspect chances are pretty high that you can relate on some level since you did choose to read an article about the connection between high control religion and perfectionism…

So here’s the thing, while perfectionism can definitely show up in different ways for different people, I’ve discovered that for most people who were indoctrinated into a high control religion, it’s all rooted in the same thing.

Why This Topic Used to Confuse Me

I stepped away from fundamentalist evangelical christianity a number of years ago, and when I entered the “deconstruction space,” I began hearing that high control religions caused perfectionism in people.

Of course my curiosity was piqued given my ongoing battle with very chronic, intense perfectionistic tendencies throughout the years.

But…even though I wanted to believe that I had uncovered the “source” of my perfectionism (religion), it didn’t really make sense to me.

I didn’t necessarily NOT believe it, but at the same time I was like, “how exactly?”

I guess you could say I was skeptical.

Upon reflection, I think my confusion about how perfectionism is tied to being indoctrinated into a high control religion was rooted in being told time and again that we as humans are imperfect – only god (or Jesus) is perfect.

And in my particular experience, not only was it constantly reinforced how imperfect we were, but it was drilled into us that we could never be perfect because we were born inherently sinful, deeply flawed, fundamentally evil and wicked.

You get the picture.

So if it was continuously reinforced that I was imperfect, shouldn’t that have brought some relief to my chronic striving for perfection?

You would think so… But it didn’t.

And here’s why.

Understanding the Source of Perfectionism

Perfectionism is usually rooted in the need for external validation.

For so long I thought it was me… my own unique neurosis.

But as I learned more about perfectionism – what it is and why it develops – everything began to click into place.

Perfectionistic behavior has very little to do with a simple desire to have everything “just so.”

The reality is that perfectionism is driven by a deep need to satisfy the expectation of some external force.

While the impossible standards of these religious groups are definitely a part of all this, it’s really the damaged self-worth and subsequent approval-seeking behavior that seem to be the driving force behind perfectionism for a lot of people – and that was definitely the case for me!

Once I understood that, it finally made SO much more sense how perfectionism ties into high control religion.

God Becomes the Ultimate Authority Figure

So let’s unpack this a bit more.

High control religions do an excellent job convincing us that we’re bad, fallen, wicked, depraved, etc.

We’re told to turn everything over to god, and that it’s only through god or christ that we could be “saved.”

We come to doubt ourselves and our self-worth plummets as we constantly look towards god’s “perfect goodness” {and the standards he set} as a guiding light for how to structure our lives.

God becomes the final authority on … everything.

This is because, in authoritarian religious settings, god is not viewed as a remote deity or an abstract concept.

Rather, he is considered an all-knowing and all-powerful being who governs every aspect of your life.

And, within high control religions, seeking divine approval is not only a virtuous act, but a moral obligation as well.

This perspective intensifies your desire for perfection and external validation, as you come to believe that aligning your life with god’s divine will is necessary to secure your place in the afterlife.

Perfectionism is Rooted in Shame

In Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown says,  “Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.”

“Perfectionism is not striving to be our best or working toward excellence. Healthy striving is internally driven. Perfectionism is externally driven by a simple but potentially all-consuming question: What will people think?”

Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart

But for people who are indoctrinated into a high control religion, the all-consuming question is actually, “what will god think?”

Because these religious groups are so shame-based to begin with, members develop an insatiable desire to be seen as enough – to be “worthy.”

This is where it all begins.

But for most folks, it doesn’t stop there.

This is because, along with constantly seeking god’s approval, these religious groups task people with being “an example” of god’s goodness, love, etc.

And this is how the need for god’s approval then begins to transfer into all other areas of life.

How Perfectionism Grows

Here’s how it often plays out.

As we become reliant on god’s approval, we begin to project that same attitude towards others in positions of authority.

So now I’m not only striving for god’s approval and validation that I’m “worthy,” but I’m also seeking it from my professor, my boss, my parents… you get the drift.

This inevitably snowballs as our self-worth and self-confidence becomes completely intertwined with receiving approval from those in authority.

And before we know it, we become totally wrapped up in what everyone thinks, whether they’re in a position of authority or not!

Perfectionism in Families

One other factor in all this that I’d like to mention is the role that family of origin often plays in nurturing perfectionistic tendencies.

A godly, nuclear family unit is often the top priority within most of these authoritarian religious structures.

And in a lot of these religious groups, the “head of the household” is tasked with keeping his family “in line” because his wife’s and children’s behavior is a reflection on his “godly leadership.”

Expectations of perfection are set within the family system itself and reinforced through authoritarian parenting practices.

Perfectionism is also often modeled for children by parents who are deeply indoctrinated.

And although everyone is affected differently by these extreme pressures, because of the way high control religions support rigid gender roles as well as a hierarchy of authority within households, women seem to experience the weight of perfectionistic expectations to an even greater degree. 

So What’s the Solution to Religion-Induced Perfectionism?

Well, it’s nothing that’s quick and easy, but it is pretty simple.

• Begin to attune to yourself. 
• Begin to prioritize your wants and your needs.
• Begin to focus on self-compassion and being more gentle and loving towards yourself.

As you rebuild your self-worth and self-confidence on the other side of high control religion, your need for external validation and approval will hopefully start to lessen.

And as that lessens, your drive for perfectionism should begin to lessen as well…

Here’s the thing… I’m coming to you as someone who still actively struggles with perfectionism, and I often refer to myself as a “recovering perfectionist” because I still have relapses.

I don’t think I’ll ever not struggle with this to some degree…

But as I’ve worked to develop self-compassion, it’s way less crippling than it once was.

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