Those of us who have experienced high control, authoritarian religions intuitively know that this type of religion makes women more vulnerable to abusive relationships.
It’s a vulnerability I have experienced both personally and have encountered numerous times professionally.
When you’re raised in a high control religion, or even indoctrinated into a high control religion as an adult, you developed certain characteristics to help you survive the demands of the religion.
However, these same characteristics are often what make you more vulnerable to the demands of a controlling and abusive partner.
Not only this, but the similarities between the abusive dynamics of a high control religion and an abusive romantic relationship are profound.
Unfortunately, high control religions end up normalizing the experience of abuse for a lot of women.
When we consider this, it’s no wonder that these religious groups make women more vulnerable to abuse in their intimate partnerships.
They’re being set up for it.
I’m going to take a deep dive into all of this in this article, but first, a quick story…
A Personal Example From My Own Life
When I was 22, I got into a relationship with a guy who was very controlling and psychologically abusive.
We attended the same church, and he routinely weaponized religious doctrine as a way of controlling my behavior.
At one point a little over a year into the relationship, I expressed an interest in taking a yoga class.
Much to my surprise, he expressed immediate alarm and said he didn’t want me doing that.
He said yoga was “dangerous” because “when you clear your mind, you’re creating space for the devil to crawl in.”
This was so absurd to me, and I thought he must be joking!
But he wasn’t.
In fact, he was so serious, he threatened to break up with me over it.
So, I didn’t take the class.
Why I’m Sharing This Story
Compared to what many women experience, this was a fairly “mild” example of controlling, manipulative behavior.
But so often, that’s exactly how it starts out.
We accept this behavior and make excuses for it, and little by little our personal autonomy and sense of self is totally eroded.
For me, I had no discernible sense of self even going into the relationship, so I continuously accommodated this guy’s ridiculous demands and did whatever I could to keep him happy.
I never stopped to consider – is this person good for me? Is this what I want?
I was only ever preoccupied with whether I was good enough for him and making sure he was happy.
While the above example is not overtly abusive, I believe it captures the covert nature of how power and control dynamics can easily take root in a relationship when one or both partners were raised in a high control religion that cultivates a culture of male dominance and female submission.
And I wrote this article to try to shed some light on just how it is that high control religions make women more vulnerable to abuse in their romantic relationships.
What We’ll Be Covering
What Qualifies as “Abuse” in a Romantic Relationship?
Before we dive head first into this topic how high control religions make women more vulnerable to abuse, I first want to clarify some terminology I’ll be using around the topic of abuse.
A General Overview
Abuse within an intimate partner relationship includes a range of harmful behaviors that one partner inflicts upon the other, often leading to physical, emotional, psychological, or financial harm.
These behaviors can manifest as overt actions that are visible and tangible, as well as covert tactics that are more subtle and insidious.
Both overt and covert forms of abuse contribute to a toxic and destructive dynamic that erodes trust, autonomy, and well-being.
Overt Abuse
Overt abuse involves clear and unmistakable actions that are intended to control, dominate, or harm the partner.
This can include:
- Physical violence such as hitting, punching, or slapping, which directly causes bodily harm
- Verbal & emotional aggression such as shouting, belittling, or using derogatory language to demean and undermine the partner’s self-esteem
- Financial abuse which involves controlling or limiting the partner’s access to financial resources, restricting their spending, or forcing a partner into financial dependency
Covert Abuse
Covert abuse, on the other hand, operates beneath the surface and may be harder to identify, yet it can be just as damaging as overt abuse.
This can include:
- Gaslighting: manipulating the partner’s perception of reality to make them doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and memories.This erodes their self-confidence and autonomy, making them more susceptible to the abuser’s control.
- Isolation: the abuser gradually limits the partner’s interactions with friends, family, and support networks, effectively cutting them off from external sources of guidance and assistance.
- Emotional Manipulation: engaging in passive-aggressive behaviors, withholding affection, giving the silent treatment, or using guilt to manipulate and control the partner’s emotions.
How Does Being Raised in a High Control Religion Increase A Woman’s Vulnerability as an Adult?
Being raised in a high control religion makes women more vulnerable to ending up in an abusive relationship because these religious groups encourage authoritarian parenting.
When you’re brought up in such an environment, it influences many aspects of your beliefs, behaviors, and perceptions, ultimately affecting your choices and interactions in intimate relationships.
Here are some ways in which being raised by authoritarian parents can contribute to greater vulnerability to becoming involved with an abusive partner:
Normalizes Submission
High control religions often emphasize strict obedience to religious authorities and doctrines.
When you are raised in this type of an environment, you may internalize the idea of submission as a virtue.
This then makes you more prone to accepting dominant or controlling behavior from a partner as a natural or expected part of a relationship.
Limits Critical Thinking
Authoritarian parenting can stifle the development of critical thinking, autonomy, and decision-making skills, instead prioritizing compliance and conformity.
When you’re brought up this way, it makes it more challenging for you to assert yourself, set boundaries or make independent choices.
This leaves you much more susceptible to manipulation and control by an abusive partner.
Controls through Fear
Religious authoritarian parents often use fear-based tactics to generate compliance – something that is modeled for them by their high control religion.
This fear-based upbringing can make you more likely to alter your behavior to keep an abusive partner happy because you’ve grown accustomed to taking the blame for problems and receiving painful “consequences” for stepping out of line.
How Do Family Dynamics Make Increase Vulnerability to Abuse?
Modeling from one’s family of origin, particularly in the context of an authoritarian religious upbringing, can significantly heighten a woman’s risk of getting into a relationship that later becomes abusive.
This is yet another way indoctrination into high control religion makes women more vulnerable to both overt and covert abuse.
If your family was deeply embedded in a high control religion, then strict hierarchies of authority and rigid gender roles were modeled for you, which included expectations of submission to the “head of the household.”
You subsequently internalized these dynamics, which normalized unequal power structures and limited autonomy, something you became more at risk for modeling in your future romantic relationships.
Furthermore, this type of modeling during your formative years makes it much more difficult to recognize problematic behaviors as “abuse.”
Your lack of exposure to healthy relationship dynamics hindered your ability to distinguish between appropriate behaviors and manipulative tactics, which is how religion makes women more vulnerable to coercion and control.
What are the Parallels Between High Control Religions & Intimate Partner Abuse?
There are significant parallels between high control religious groups and intimate partner abuse, furthering the point that religion makes women for vulnerable to these toxic dynamics.
When you are steeped in the culture of a high control religion, it normalizes harmful patterns of abuse, making you more likely to gravitate to a controlling, abusive partner.
Here are some of the parallels.
Power & Control Dynamics
Both high control religious groups and abusive relationships revolve around power and control.
In high control religions, leaders exert authority over members’ beliefs, actions, and decisions.
Similarly, in abusive relationships, one partner seeks to dominate and control the other’s thoughts, emotions, and behavior.
Isolation and Separation
Both contexts may involve isolating individuals from external influences, such as friends, family, and other support networks.
Isolation creates dependency on the controlling figure or partner, making it harder to seek help or escape the situation.
Manipulation & Coercion
Manipulative tactics are used to maintain control in both high control religions and abusive relationships.
High control religious groups might employ psychological manipulation to indoctrinate members, while abusive partners use tactics like gaslighting to distort reality and undermine the victim’s self-confidence.
Loss of Autonomy
Both situations lead to a loss of personal autonomy.
Members of high control religions have many areas of their life, including how they think and feel, dictated by religious doctrine.
Similarly, victims of intimate partner abuse often have limits placed on their choices as their behavior becomes more and more controlled.
Dependence & Guilt
In both contexts, people are often manipulated to feel dependent on the controlling figure.
High control religions may use guilt and fear of spiritual consequences, while abusive partners manipulate through guilt and fear of relational consequences.
How Do Rigid Gender Norms Increase A Woman’s Vulnerability to Abuse?
The rigid gender roles enforced within high control religions make women more vulnerable to intimate partner abuse.
These religious teachings often emphasize a hierarchical structure where men are deemed the leaders, while women are expected to assume subservient roles.
Such deeply ingrained gender norms create an environment where power imbalances and unequal dynamics are not only tolerated but actively promoted, laying the foundation for abusive relationships.
The notion of male leadership often intersects with notions of control, as it can foster an atmosphere where your agency and autonomy are compromised.
Worst of all, the authority bestowed upon men can be weaponized to justify manipulation, coercion, and emotional or physical abuse.
How Do Beliefs About Divorce Increase Vulnerability to Abuse?
In many situations of intimate partner abuse, the teachings of high control religions create a strong sense of needing to make the marriage work at all costs.
This is yet another way that religion makes women more vulnerable to abuse.
If you were raised with the conviction that “divorce is a sin,” the decision to end an abusive relationship becomes an agonizing struggle between adhering to the requirements of your religious group and your own self-preservation.
This mentality also shows up in dating relationships because these groups heavily push the “courtship ideology” and only dating with the intent to marry.
Unfortunately, this pressure to marry young coupled the the teaching that divorce is a sin often compels women to endure a lifetime of emotional, physical, and psychological abuse.
Even worse, this mindset actually results in you internalizing the blame for the abuse, convincing yourself that you must be at fault for the problems in the relationship because of the expectations placed on women to “meet their husband’s needs” and to be a “help meet.”
Furthermore, the pressure to maintain the appearance of a functional and harmonious partnership that’s in line with religious expectations can lead to a dangerous cycle of denial and justification, further entrapping you in this toxic cycle.
Final Thoughts
If you are or were in an abusive relationship, I hope this article allows you to extend some self-compassion towards yourself because high control religions always make women more vulnerable to dynamics of abuse.
Your indoctrination was a perfect set up for you to become involved in an abusive relationship with an intimate partner.
For most women, getting out of the religion becomes a major catalyst for getting out of the abusive relationship.
Once you’re on the other side, that’s when the healing can really begin.
What To Do Next:
We covered quite a bit of information in this article.
If you’re wondering what to do next, consider the following…
Join the Group
One thing I would definitely encourage you to do is to check out my private Facebook group for folks recovering from religious harm:
Check Out These Articles
- The Link Between Feeling “Love Starved” & Your Religious Upbringing
- What is a High Control Religion?
- A Therapist Reviews: A Radical Awakening by Dr Shefali
Stay Connected
Most importantly you’ll want to make sure you’re on my email list.
Every Thursday I send out a topical email related to religious indoctrination and religious harm recovery.
Use the form below to sign up!