I came of age during the purity movement of the 90’s and early 2000’s.
I had a purity ring and pledged to “save myself” for my future husband, who was hopefully doing the same for me.
Since leaving Evangelical Christianity and deconstructing my faith, I’ve really had to reckon with the long term impacts of being steeped in such a damaging culture during some of the most formative years of my life.
One of the things I’ve had to sort out is how to find the good in sex when purity culture essentially made me feel like it was all bad – especially outside of a monogamous, heterosexual marriage.
Table of Contents
Where Does “Purity Culture” Come From?
The troubling thing about purity culture is that it isn’t just a part of the teachings and practices of conservative religious groups.
In fact, it has been infiltrating North American culture in various ways since the time of the Puritans and the early settlers.
The Role of the Puritans in Purity Culture
The puritanical culture of the 16th and 17th century promoted a sexually conservative worldview.
This is because sexual repression and the strict regulation of sexual behavior were at the core of the religious beliefs of the Puritans.
And in this culture, any form of sexual expression outside of heterosexual marriage was viewed as sinful and morally corrupt.
Sexual desires, even within the confines of marriage, were often seen as base and inherently evil.
These beliefs and values from the puritanical era continued to influence North American society as it evolved over time.
They then seeped into various religious and cultural movements, including the rise of the purity movement in the late 20th and early 21st centuries.
Sexual Purity and Culture
As we unpack the early origins of purity culture, it’s important to recognize that it’s not only a part of religious groups.
The influence of purity culture has very much extended beyond religious circles, affecting education, politics, and even popular culture.
It shaped attitudes towards sex education, reproductive rights, LGBTQ+ rights, and the overall discourse around sexuality.
And, unfortunately, this intersecting web of beliefs and practices has had a lasting impact that’s very much felt even today.
Because of this, you may find that you’re still confronted with purity culture’s toxic messaging even after leaving the high control religion where you were indoctrinated with purity culture ideology.
Conflicting Messages About Sexuality
Living in North American culture can present a striking juxtaposition for many people, particularly when it comes to the conflicting messages surrounding sexuality and sexual expression.
Message 1: “Stay Pure”
On one hand, there’s the pervasive influence of purity culture, which emphasizes sexual abstinence, modesty, and the preservation of one’s “purity” until marriage.
{At least this is very much the expectation for women, usually both inside and outside of religious institutions.}
This ideology can create a sense of shame and guilt around sexual desires and behaviors, often leading to a repressive and unhealthy relationship with sexuality.
Message 2: “Be Sexy”
On the other hand, North American culture also showcases a prevalent trend of sexualizing both men and women {but particularly women) in advertising, media, and entertainment.
This hypersexualization creates unrealistic ideals and objectifies the humans being depicted
This leads to harmful stereotypes and contributes to the overall objectification of all people based on their appearance and desirability.
This not only impacts people’s self-esteem but also contributes to a culture that values people primarily for their sexual appeal rather than their unique qualities and contributions.
The Outcome of Conflicting Messages
The conflicting messages between purity culture and hypersexualization can very much leave you feeling trapped in a dichotomy where sex is either associated with shame and secrecy or reduced to a superficial and objectifying act.
Ultimately, this can have a very negative impact on your personal relationships, self-image, and overall well-being.
Recognizing and challenging these societal norms {and conflicting messages} is often the first step in promoting a healthy and holistic understanding of sexuality that embraces consent, communication, and respect.
And by fostering open and honest conversations, we can create a culture that supports all people in developing healthy attitudes towards sexuality, free from shame and objectification.
The Connection Between Purity Culture & Sexual Trauma
In addition to the confusion caused by cultural attitudes towards sexuality, there’s something very important that I want you to understand about purity culture specifically.
The harmful effects of it can actually resemble symptoms of sexual trauma.
This is because purity culture causes you to internalize a sense of fear in relation to your own body – it turns your body into both the predator and the victim.
Here are some common ways symptoms of sexual trauma resemble the symptoms purity culture indoctrination.
Shame & Guilt
Purity culture often instills deep-seated shame and guilt surrounding sexual thoughts, desires, and actions, which may lead you to feel inherently flawed or sinful.
This internalized shame is similar to the shame often experienced by survivors of sexual trauma.
Repression & Avoidance
You may repress your natural sexual feelings and desires.
This mirrors the avoidance and dissociation commonly seen in survivors of sexual trauma.
Negative Body Image
Purity culture often promotes unrealistic standards of purity and modesty, which can cause you to feel uncomfortable with your body and sexuality.
A negative body image is a common outcome of sexual trauma as well.
Loss of Agency
Purity culture often restricts personal autonomy and agency, dictating how you should view and express your sexuality.
This loss of agency can resonate with the powerlessness experienced by sexual trauma survivors.
Flashbacks & Triggers
Memories or reminders of purity culture teachings or events may trigger emotional and psychological responses similar to the flashbacks and triggers experienced by sexual trauma survivors.
You may also develop “magical thinking” when it comes to pregnancy fears, becoming deathly afraid that you’re pregnant even though you’re still a virgin.
Disconnection from Body & Sexuality
Purity culture’s emphasis on avoiding sexual experiences can cause you to become disconnected from your body and natural sexual identity.
This is similar to the dissociation that some sexual trauma survivors may experience.
Self-Worth Issues
Purity culture’s focus on sexual purity can tie your sense of self-worth to your sexual behavior.
If you believe you are “impure” due to sexual behavior, you may develop feelings of poor self-worth, which is similar to what sexual trauma survivors may experience.
How to Start Finding the Good in Sex
So how does one go about finding the good in sex when it all feels so bad?
I’m going to walk you through four steps!
Step 1: Identify the Specific Ways Purity Culture Has Impacted You
Before you can find the good in sex, you have to identify the ways you’ve been harmed by purity culture.
Because here’s the thing, even if you try to “decide” how you feel about certain aspects of your sexuality, your body is going to keep holding onto the trauma you’ve experienced from purity culture.
Take a look at the list above and maybe even rate on a scale from 1-10 how intensely you experience each symptom.
I will say, approach this with exercise with lots of self-compassion because it can be really devastating to identify how significant purity culture’s toll on you has been…
Step 2: Begin Addressing Sexual Trauma
Once you’ve identified which areas are the most intense or painful for you, you can begin to focus on healing.
In the same way that purity culture trauma tends to resemble sexual trauma, the healing journey is similar as well.
In most cases, I would suggest working with a qualified therapist or a somatic coach who specializes in helping people release trauma from their body.
You can also find significant healing through workbooks that focus on sexual trauma recovery. I always recommend somatic-oriented workbooks, not CBT workbooks.
Please contact me if you have more questions about this.
Step 3: Get Clear on Your Sexual Values & Priorities
As you begin to release the trauma from your body, you can begin to consider on a cognitive level what your sexual values and priorities are.
You’ll need to examine the beliefs and messages you’ve internalized about sex and sexuality, and consider which ones you want to keep while discarding the ones that no longer serve you.
For example, purity culture taught you that you should have only one sexual partner for life.
And perhaps limiting your number of sexual partners is still a value you hold.
Or maybe, you decide to discard that value, replacing it with a value of sexual liberation which does not place limits on the number of sexual partners you have in your lifetime — or even in a day!
You might also examine how you dress.
Purity culture taught you to be hypervigilant about “modesty.”
Maybe you decide you still value dressing conservatively because you feel this is most honoring to your body.
Or maybe you decide to honor your body by allowing more skin to show and wearing styles you truly enjoy, regardless of how others might think about you.
Exercise: Create a sexuality manifesto where you write down all your sexual values and priorities. Topics can include: sexual activity including both frequency and types of activity, how you dress, what types of media you consume (including or excluding porn), etc.
Step 4: Begin Building a Healthy Relationship with YOUR Sexuality
So here’s the thing – I can’t tell you what’s “good” or what’s “bad” when it comes to sex.
In fact, I think viewing sex through a binary of “good or bad” is what got us all in trouble in the first place!
Instead, let’s focus on how you can begin cultivating a healthier relationship with your body and sexuality.
Here’s how you do it!
Define Your Sexual Boundaries
Begin to identify and recognize what feels comfortable and safe to you in regards to sexual activities and relationships.
As you do this, begin learning how to communicate and enforce those boundaries with others.
Learn the Ins and Outs of Consent
Consent should always, always, ALWAYS be a part of your sexual experiences, even within the context of a committed, monogamous relationship.
If you’re involved with someone who does not prioritize consent, they will continuously reactivate your trauma response.
Consent is essential – always.
Recognize Your Sexual Needs & Desires
Everyone has different sexual desires, fantasies, turn-ons, etc.
Purity culture puts up a huge barrier, refusing to allow people to explore their innate sexual nature.
Get curious about yourself and your sexuality. Explore without judgment.
Embrace a Sex-Positive Attitude
Consensual and pleasurable sexual experiences should always be the goal.
When you approach your sexuality with the assumption that it is a beautiful, natural form of human expression, you’re allowing yourself to move further away from the purity culture binary of “this is good” vs “that’s bad.”
If you’re having trouble experiencing sex through a positive lens, then I would encourage you to revisit the previous section because there’s probably unresolved trauma still affecting you in this area.
Final Thoughts
For those of us who are really struggling with our sexuality and internalized beliefs from purity culture, I think it’s difficult to fully recover without some type of professional support.
This isn’t because you’re weak – it’s because the messages from purity culture have been so intense both in their impact and duration.
And as I mentioned in the beginning of this article, conservative religious messages aren’t the only problem.
The problem is that even our “non-christian,” North American culture (and I would imagine other cultures as well) are steeped in problematic attitudes towards sex and sexuality.
Hyper-sexualization of bodies in the media coupled with puritanical values not only create confusion, but objectify both people’s bodies and their sexuality.
If you’re struggling in this area, please, reach out for support. You can find out more about working with me using the links below, or feel free to seek out another qualified professional in this area.
You don’t have to go through this alone!
What To Do Next:
We covered quite a bit of information in this article.
If you’re wondering what to do next, consider the following…
Join the Group
One thing I would definitely encourage you to do is to check out my private Facebook group for folks recovering from religious harm:
Check Out These Articles
- Deconstructing Purity Culture: Start Now With These Four Steps
- The 5 Ways Purity Culture is Damaging to Men
- A Therapist Reviews “Pure” by Linda Kay Klein
Stay Connected
Most importantly you’ll want to make sure you’re on my email list.
Every Thursday I send out a topical email related to religious indoctrination and religious harm recovery.
Use the form below to sign up!