Confession time: setting boundaries has been a MAJOR area of struggle for me.

I used to be all mixed up when it came to setting boundaries in both my personal life and my professional life.

You see, I would pendulum swing from not having clear boundaries and trying to “help” everyone to becoming super-rigid and just cutting people off because I was burned out and resentful from overextending myself for too long…

There are a couple reasons for my issues with boundaries:

1. Healthy boundaries were never modeled in my family of origin
2. I was indoctrinated into a high control religion, which severely distorted my understanding of how to be in relationship with others in a healthy, balanced way

If any of this is feeling familiar to you, please stick around — I think you’ll get a lot of value from this article!

The Connection Between Poor Boundaries & High Control Religion

One of the defining characteristics of a high control religion is its manipulation and exploitation of boundaries.

All of the churches I attended during my childhood and young adult years encouraged “self-sacrifice,” taking care of others, and “dying to self.”

These churches also taught that the sin nature and weaknesses of the human flesh were to blame if I became overwhelmed, exhausted, or emotionally drained…

As a result, I was conditioned to see setting boundaries as selfish and “un-christlike.”

Not surprisingly, I ended up feeling guilty whenever I did say “no” or took care of my own needs.

But here’s the thing, setting boundaries is not selfish at all.

In fact, it’s an essential aspect of maintaining healthy relationships whilst also caring for yourself.

Which leads us straight into the next point…

Why It’s Super-Critical that You Get Better at Setting Boundaries

When leaving a high control religion, it’s vital that you get better as setting boundaries because this will create space for you to focus on healing from religious trauma and recovering from religious harm.

Although it will likely feel challenging, particularly if you were conditioned to have no boundaries, getting better at setting boundaries can absolutely transform your life.

And speaking from my own experience — it most definitely transformed my life and my relationships for the better!

Here’s what I’ve found — as you get better at setting boundaries, you’ll simultaneously be getting better at:

• taking care of yourself
• maintaining your emotional AND physical well-being
• creating healthier and more fulfilling relationships with others

This is mostly because setting healthy boundaries helps you avoid becoming overburdened or resentful from constantly saying yes to things that don’t align with your values or desires.

But here’s the most important thing…

Learning to set healthy boundaries is a critical part of the healing process if you’ve been indoctrinated into a high control religion because doing so empowers you to reclaim your autonomy.

The 6 Step Process for Getting Better at Setting Boundaries

Are you ready to dive into the 6 step process for setting boundaries?

Let’s get started!

Setting Boundaries: Step 1 – Define Your Values

Defining your values is the first step in this whole process.

It’s important to have a clear understanding of what matters most to you in life, as this will help guide your decisions moving forward.

When you’ve been indoctrinated into a high control religion, your values are often predetermined for you.

This restricts your ability to think critically and independently.

However, as you begin to detox from the influence of religious indoctrination, you’ll develop the ability to determine your own thoughts, beliefs AND values for yourself.

Your values are no longer being defined for you.

So, in order for you to know what kind of boundaries you need to set, you need to spend some time getting clear on your personal values.

Questions to Help You Discover Your Personal Values

To assist you in identifying your personal values, consider these questions:

1. What are the things that fill you with joy, passion, or a sense of fulfillment?
2. In moments of crisis or decision-making, what principles guide your choices?
3. If you had to choose three guiding principles to define your life, what would they be and why?
4. What are the non-negotiable aspects of your life, things you won’t compromise on?
5. What legacy do you want to leave behind? How do you want to be remembered?

Reflecting on these questions can help you identify your personal values, which in turn will guide you in setting appropriate boundaries.

Setting Boundaries: Step 2 – Evaluate Your Needs

Understanding your needs is different than getting clear on your values because your values inform how you think and feel about topics.

Needs, on the other hand, have to do with your personality type, your energy levels, specific sensitivities you might have, etc.

Most high control religions expect you to deprioritize yourself and your needs.

Self-sacrifice was probably conflated with godliness.

This constant suppression of your own personal needs likely led you to a place of total self-abandonment.

Which means… at this point, you might be so disconnected from yourself that you might not even have a clear sense of what your need are.

And here’s the problem with this:

Until you understand what your needs are, you won’t be able to determine what boundaries you need to set!

A significant part of healing from religious indoctrination will include getting in touch with your needs and recognizing that your needs are valid. 

Here are some questions to get you started with identifying your needs:

• How do I recharge my energy?
• What situations or people drain my energy?
• Do I thrive with structure or flexibility?
• What types of things bring me joy or a sense of peace?
• What level of social interaction do I need?

Grab a pen and paper and answer these questions — be as specific as you can.

{Psst… this exercise is really important because we’ll be circling back to it as we continue exploring the topic of setting boundaries).

Setting Boundaries: Step 3 – Getting Clear

Now that you’ve defined some of your core values and you have a better understanding of your needs, it’s time to get clear on your personal boundaries.

What are Personal Boundaries?

Think of personal boundaries as the invisible lines that protect your emotional space and well-being.

They’re your way of saying “this is where I draw the line” in a way that’s autonomous and empowered.

As I mentioned above {but can’t state often enough} setting boundaries is especially important for someone who has experienced religious harm because doing so allows you to reclaim control over your own life and choices.

You’re reclaiming your autonomy.

Transforming Values & Needs Into Boundaries:

We’re going to circle back to the questions I had you answer in Step 1 and Step 2.

After answering those questions, you’re now going to transform your list of values and needs into personal boundaries.

Here’s an example of how this transformation from a need statement to a personal boundary might look:

If you wrote something like “I need to disengage from topics related to religion,” transform it to, “I’m not going to expose myself to conversations that are centered around religion.”

Setting boundaries involves transforming you “need” statements to action statements.

Once you have clear action statements established, you’ll want to begin thinking about situations and people that might bump up against your boundary.

These areas of anticipated friction will indicate where communication about your boundaries needs to take place, {don’t worry, we’ll be covering how to communicate your personal boundaries in the Step 5}.

Remember, setting boundaries are all about defining your comfort zones, so you’ve got to be specific.

It’s like creating a personal rulebook for emotionally safe interactions.

Practical Application

So here’s what I want you to do.

–> Craft at least three personal boundaries based on your needs and values.

These could pertain to topics like religious discussions, family gatherings or personal space. 

The more specific, the better.

Getting crystal clear and writing things down will help you a TON when it comes time to begin communicating your boundaries.

Setting Boundaries: Step 4 – Clarify The Type of Boundary

There are really two types of boundaries: direct and indirect.

I usually say direct is best, but direct is not always safe or feasible, in which case I suggest thinking about indirect boundaries.

Let’s take a look at each in a bit more detail.

Direct Boundaries:

Direct boundaries involve clear and explicit communication of your limits.

For example a close friend invites you to attend a religious gathering that you feel uncomfortable participating in.

A direct boundary might sound like: “Thank you for the invitation, but I no longer feel comfortable attending religious gatherings.”

Similarly, if a family member consistently texts you about religion, a direct boundary could be established by saying, “I appreciate your intention, but I need you to stop sending me texts about  ________.”

Indirect Boundaries

Indirect boundaries, on the other hand, operate through actions rather than statements.

Let’s imagine you often find yourself in conversations with a colleague who insists on discussing their religious views despite your discomfort.

Responding with a simple, “That’s an interesting perspective,” and then transitioning the conversation to a different topic illustrates an indirect boundary.

Or, if a family member continues to text you about religion after you’ve asked them to stop, either not responding to these types of texts at all or perhaps even blocking their number would be an example of an indirect boundary.

Assess Which is Right For You

The choice between direct and indirect boundaries depends on your comfort level and the specific circumstances.

If a close friend often initiates conversations on religious topics (i.e. attempts to reconvert you), and it drains your energy, a direct approach might involve saying, “I value our friendship and would prefer not to engage in debates about our religious differences.”

However, if a co-worker consistently brings up their religious beliefs and you’d rather avoid confrontation, an indirect approach could involve steering conversations back to work-related matters or neutral subjects.

In most cases, if you’re in a relationship you hope to maintain, direct boundaries and open communication is best.

But if you’re dealing with someone who’s emotionally immature, volatile or incapable of respecting your stated boundaries, you may have no choice but to initiate indirect boundaries.

Just know that it’s harder to maintain a healthy, balanced relationship with someone once you start implementing indirect boundaries.

Practical Application:

Think about the people in your life you need to start setting boundaries with.

Make a list of names, and then write down whether you think it will be better to set a direct or indirect boundary with them based on the type of relationship and the safety you feel in the relationship.

Begin brainstorming some ideas about how you might go about setting boundaries with these people based on the above examples.

Step 5: Communicating Your Boundaries

Next we’re going to be talking about some specific tips for setting boundaries with family or friends who are still religious.

Setting a Direct Boundary

Step 5 is specifically referring to direct boundaries since these are the ones that are actively communicated to the other person {unlike indirect boundaries, which we covered in Step 4}.

The nice thing about a direct boundary is that it leaves no space for misinterpretation.

However, effectively setting a direct boundary requires a bit of finesse, as these conversations can feel pretty “high stakes” for some people.

But in most cases, the ultimate goal is to maintain the relationship whenever feasible, so you’re probably interested in figuring out how to do this in the healthiest way possible.

Tapping into Compassion

When you’re setting direct boundaries with your religious friends and family members, tapping into compassion is a great place to start.

You can try to foster compassion by first acknowledging shared values or past positive experiences.

This can create a bridge between your need for boundaries and their perspective.

Here’s an important note –> compassion is NOT empathy because you’re not “taking on” their emotions and experiences.

Rather, you’re coming into the interaction with a sense of goodwill that you’re extending out to the other person.

Accessing compassion before you begin can go a long way in finding common ground and creating a positive experience.

Creating the Framework for a Safe Discussion

First, decide whether you’ll be able to communicate best in person, on the phone, through text message or through email.

Verbal, in-person communication is touted as the “ideal,” but I disagree.

The best method of communication is whatever will allow you to clearly communicate your boundary while maintaining emotional safety.

For some people, this might look like sending an email rather than meeting up in person.

You can also decide if there’s anyone you might want to have with you, such as a partner or friend, to provide moral support.

Tips for Effective Communication:

1. Choose the Right Timing: Pick a moment when everyone is relaxed and receptive, rather than during a heated discussion.
2. Use “I” Statements: Speak from your perspective, sharing your feelings and needs, which can help prevent defensiveness.
3. Be Clear and Specific: Leave no room for ambiguity. Describe the how, what, when and/or where of your boundary.
4. Don’t Over-Explain: Over-explaining or “justifying” can cause everyone to get lost in the weeds and leave room for the other person to challenge you.
5. Stay Open to Questions: Give the other person space to ask questions or seek clarification, but don’t get sucked into a debate.

Practical Application

Identify a personal boundary you’d like to set and who you’d like to set it with.

Next, jot down your “framework”

Your framework is your strategy for communication (in person, text message, email, etc.), whether anyone else will be present for support if you talk in person, etc.

Then, write out some scripts for setting your boundary using the tips listed above.

By writing out some scripts, I mean jot down the actual message you think you’ll send or what specifically you’ll say if you meet up in person.

Setting Boundaries: Step 6 – Anticipating Pushback

As you’ve been going through this process of identifying your boundaries and determining the best way to go about setting them, you’re probably already keenly aware that resistance might arise.

After all, if you’re going to be setting boundaries with someone who’s been embedded into a high control religion, rigid patterns of thinking and behavior are the norm – not flexibility and openness. 

So it’s definitely worthwhile to spend some time anticipating how to best navigate situations where pushback may occur when you start setting boundaries.

Strategies for Navigating Pushback

Active Listening:

If the other person exhibits resistance to your boundary, start by actively listening to the concerns or objections raised.

This shows that you are being considerate to them as a person, even if your values and perspectives differ.

Clarify Your Intentions:

Reiterate your intentions for setting boundaries.

Let them know that it’s about personal growth and maintaining healthy relationships.

Tap Into Compassion:

Respond compassionately {this does not mean people-pleasing or taking on their emotions}.

Try to embody goodwill and show understanding even if you don’t agree.

This often helps defuse tension.

Stay Firm but Respectful:

While embodying goodwill, remain steadfast in your boundaries.

It’s possible to be assertive without being confrontational.

Disengage and Detach:

Sometimes these conversations are too “high stakes” for the other person, and they’re not capable of being open and respectful.

When you recognize this is the case, disengaging from communication is often best.

Explore Alternatives:

If you’ve tried direct communication with setting boundaries and the other person just isn’t willing or able to get it, you may want to explore setting an indirect boundary instead.

Indirect boundaries were covered in Step 4 in case you need to jump back to that section.

Taking Care of Yourself by Setting Boundaries

So far in this article, we’ve covered all the ins and outs of how to go about setting boundaries with religious friends and family.

But there’s a critical piece to all this that we can’t afford to miss.

We gotta spend a few minutes talking about how you can continue caring for yourself during this very challenging (and often ongoing) process!

It’s Essential to Prioritize You

As you probably know by now, setting and communicating boundaries is an act of self-respect, and it’s also a commitment to maintaining your well-being.

As you continue this journey, remember that your emotional health deserves as much attention as the relationships you’re navigating with others.

What I’m talking about here is prioritizing your relationship to yourself.

Reconnect with Your Authentic Self

When you’re indoctrinated into a high control religion, the Authentic Self is suppressed, disregarded and viewed with suspicion. 

Healing from religious trauma and learning to truly care for yourself means getting back in touch with your authentic self, nurturing it and protecting it.

The main way you do this is by setting boundaries. 

A Few Self-Care Tips

Self-care isn’t selfish – it’s self-preservation.

As you try to maintain relationships with your religious family members and friends while while setting healthy boundaries, here are some practices to keep in mind:

Mindful Check-Ins:

Regularly assess how you’re feeling within these interactions.

Are your boundaries still serving you well, or do they need adjustment?

Emotional Resilience:

Develop coping strategies to manage any stress or discomfort that might arise due to boundary-related challenges.

To assist with this, you might also consider working with a therapist (if you’re not already).

Positive Reinforcement:

Celebrate your successes, no matter how small.

Acknowledge moments when you’ve effectively communicated your boundaries.

Take Time for Yourself:

Dedicate time to activities that rejuvenate you, whether it’s reading, taking a long walk, or spending time with supportive friends.

Carving out time to nurture your Authentic Self is essential.

Sustaining Your Boundaries

As your relationships evolve, your boundaries might need adjustments.

Remember that boundaries are flexible, not fixed.

Be open to revisiting and refining them to align with your evolving needs.

Sometimes as religious family and friends adjust to the changes in your life, they become more flexible and respectful. 

And sometimes it goes the other way, and they become more rigid and combative.

Keep checking in with yourself and assessing what feels best based given the current circumstances.

Final Thoughts

It’s important to remember that setting boundaries is an ongoing process.

It requires self-awareness, communication, and a willingness to prioritize your own well-being.

Recovering from religious harm and breaking free from a high control religion can be incredibly challenging, but also immensely liberating.

By setting boundaries, you are protecting yourself and creating space for your authentic self to thrive.

Stay true to yourself, be kind and patient with yourself, and continue setting boundaries that align with your values and needs.

As you continue to practice setting boundaries, and don’t be afraid to seek support when needed because you ARE worthy of living a happy and authentic life.

Other Articles You Might Want to Check Out

• How to Navigate Relationships with Religious Family Members
• How to Untangle Religious Trauma from Family Trauma
• How Religion Makes Women More Vulnerable to Abusive Relationships

And before you go…

If you’ve been looking for a supportive community of other folks who are deconstructing faith and recovering from religious harm, check out: The Religious Harm Recovery Group.